And All I Ask
by Carlotta's twin
Summary: Kirk is on the brink of death, his thoughts on the Enterprise. "It was...fun." Why did he choose those words?


Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek. Or Kirk's death. Thank goodness for that.

A/N: Okay, Kirk's death. Oh so lame. You _think_ it could have been better. What were they thinking? "Hey, let's have Kirk die because a BRIDGE COLLAPSES!" And his last words? Well, as a fanfic writer, I've gotta put some more into them...

Kirk looked up without seeing. He didn't have to see. He knew that the new captain was there, that Captain Picard...he was the new captain of the Enterprise. Well, Picard seemed like a good man. He would lead the Enterprise to great things. Kirk however, knew he himself could not. All what he could do was one small thing. Help the captain of the Enterprise. Something he had done years before, and he was glad it was one thing he could do again.

"Did we do it?" Kirk asked weakly, tasting the blood in his mouth. "Did we make a difference?"

"Oh, yes." the captain replied. "We made a difference. Thank you."

After facing death so many times before, Kirk had to admit he wasn't scared. Half of him felt that if he could roll the dice one more time he could live...but there was no dice to roll. He had no future. All what he had left was the past. He had made a difference in the past. Oh, yes. He had. Starting with the Enterprise...

...

"Oh, come on." laughed Commander Kirk, half-shoving the man he'd met a few nights before. "I shouldn't have to force you."

"No," he replied, a smile on his face. "You shouldn't. I'll have a mint julep." He told the waitress.

"So, what did you say your profession was, Leonard?" Jim asked.

"A doctor." he replied.

"I wouldn't trust you operating on me," joked Jim. "Sawbones."

"You'll pay for that." Leonard promised. "I'll make your physicals a living hell."

_He hadn't been kidding,_ Kirk thought in hindsight.

"What?" Kirk had asked. "Why would you give me a physical?"

"Well, damn, Jim, I have to. I'm the CMO of the Enterprise." Bones replied.

"Oh, I'm being reassigned to the Enterprise?" Kirk asked, surprised. He hadn't been aware of that. "Do you know what station?"

"I should." said Bones, a mischievous smile on his face. "The Captain."

...

"Captain." said Uhura, a smile on her beautiful face, "the Klingons are...hailing us, sir." she clamped her hand over her mouth. Spock raised a single eyebrow. Sulu sniggered. Kirk himself had to suppress a smile as he said, "On screen."

Koloth began screaming at Kirk in the Klingon language, anger etched into every fiber of his being. "Lt. Uhura? Is there a reason his words aren't being translated?" Kirk asked.

"Oh, yes sir." said Uhura. "The Universal Translator uh...censors some of the more...inappropriate words."

"I see." Kirk turned back to the screen. "My dear Captain Koloth. Can I help you with anything?"

"Those...tribbles, Kirk!" screamed Koloth.

"Tribbles...what-oh, yes." said Kirk, smiling slightly. "At that one...station, right? Yes, I do recall a tribble. A few tribbles, actually."

"A few? A _few_? And you transported them onto my ship?"

"You have a tribble problem, my dear captain?" Kirk asked. "Oh dear. I hope you didn't feed them. Never feed the tribbles."

"They are everywhere, Kirk!" yelled Koloth. The video panned out to show the entire bridge covered in tribbles. "You will pay!" Kirk shrugged.

"Well, that's the way it goes. Guess one of your officers must of brought one aboard. They are rather cute, aren't they?" Kirk asked.

"You think these little..." Koloth's next few words were (as Uhura called it) censored. "Are cute?" he finished.

"They do have a certain...aesthetic appeal, don't they, Mr. Spock?" Kirk asked.

"I believe the human term would be _adorable_ or..._darling_, Captain." Spock replied.

"Well, there you have it. They're darling. Have a fun time." With that, Captain Kirk cut communication.

...

Lt. Kirk fumbled with the switches, hoping against hope that the third time really was the charm. Pulling out one final wire, he spun around to see a Vulcan staring at him, with an eyebrow raised. "Oh, hello! Didn't see you there. Uh, I'm taking the test today. Wanted to make sure everything is...What's your name?"

"Lt. Commander Spock." the Vulcan answered stiffly.

"My name's Jim Kirk." he said, putting out his hand for Spock to shake. "Nice to meet you."

Spock raised his eyebrows at the outstretched hand. Kirk realized, a bit too late, that perhaps it wasn't proper etiquette to shake a Vulcan's hand. "Oh, Lt. Commander Spock, uh, I'm sorry-" Kirk said, hastily clasping his hands together.

"No offense was taken, Lt. Kirk." Spock replied. Kirk blushed, obviously embarrassed.

"I've never really spoken with a Vulcan, at least not in depth and-"

"Your continued apologies are most illogical." Spock said flatly.

"Oh, sir, I-" Kirk stopped. "Illogical?"

"Quite." Spock said.

"Well, I'll try to be more logical." Kirk said, grinning. He turned back to his station. "In fact, I think you'll be astounded at my logic." Kirk smirked at the raised eyebrow. He could never resist a competition. Did that Vulcan want him to be logical? He'd be logical, all right.

_Something_, Kirk thought back, _he would never be again_.

There was a revving noise, and the simulation came to life.

"Captain," the communications officer began, "we are receiving a distress call from the SS Kobayashi Maru. They are in the Klingon neutral zone."

"Go in after them." Kirk said. "I want all hailing frequencies open. Tell the Klingons, and the Kobayshi Maru, our intent."

"_One_ Klingon ship approaching, sir." Spock told Kirk.

"Thank you, Mr. Spock." Kirk said.

"The Klingons are firing." the navigator reported.

"Evasive maneuvers." Kirk said. He smiled. "Are frequencies jammed?"

"No, sir." the communications officer reported. The 'ship' shook.

"Shields down to 80 and dropping." Spock reported.

"Open channel to the Klingons." Kirk ordered.

"Channel open."

"This is..._Captain_...James T. Kirk of the USS Resolution. We intend to rescue the SS Kobayashi Maru."

"They have not powered down weapons." Spock reported. Kirk frowned.

"I insist that you power down your weapons! We will do the same. This is a peaceful mission." Kirk said.

"Still no reply." the communications officer said.

"I warn you- any act of violence would be incredibly foolish. You see we have, in our cargo bay, a substance called...cor...cor-" Kirk bluffed, unable to find the right word. "Mr. Spock, the term is in your own language. What is it, again?"

"corbomite." Spock finished, his eyes alone displaying his confusion. "The substance called corbomite." He nodded to Kirk.

"Yes." Kirk said, with a grateful nod to Spock. "Corbomite. It will destroy your ship. You see, corbomite...should you attempt to destroy our ship...it will wreck havoc on yours four times the strength of the attack. We are a force to be reckoned with, Klingons. There is much about the Federation you do not know. Power down your weapons. Kirk out." Kirk sighed deeply. Would the Klingons call his bluff?

"The Klingon ship has powered down weapons." Spock reported.

"Thanks for the help." Kirk said. "Helmsman, power down our weapons as well. Navigator, set a course for the SS Kobayashi Maru. Send teams down, armed with phasers, to pick up the remaining survivors. Then, plot course for the nearest starbase." He leaned back, immensely pleased with himself.

"That was the test?" Spock asked. He had never before been in the simulation. "I had expected it to be more...challenging."

"I've taken it two times." Kirk said. "It's the only thing keeping me from getting promoted. But I think I know how to handle it now."

"You performed admirably." Spock said.

"Thanks." Kirk replied, before the Admiral walked in.

"Lt. Kirk?" Admiral Davis asked.

"Yes, sir?" Kirk said, snapping to attention.

"I'm sorry, Kirk, but the simulator malfunctioned. I know you'd like these scores to count, bu-"

"Sir, I really think these scores should count." Kirk said.

"There's a bug in the simulator, Kirk."

"One that I made, sir." Kirk said.

"What?"

"You see," Kirk began, "I've taken the test two times before. I lost every time. So, I began to think more..." he glanced at Spock "..._logically_. I talked to a few students, and they too had never won. So I tampered with the simulator so that there was an 55 chance that _three_ Klingon ships would arrive and jam frequencies and destroy us. Before, it had been 100. On my test today, it was only one. I didn't want to cheat full-out, sir. I wanted a chance to win. And I got that chance. This was my test. That was my solution. Sir."

Spock raised his eyebrow. "Quite...logical."

"I hoped you'd say that." Kirk said, smiling at the Vulcan.

"That...is something no cadet had ever tried before." Davis said, shocked. "Quite a smart idea, Commander Kirk."

"I'm a lieutenant, sir." Kirk corrected.

"Not anymore." Davis replied.

The look on Kirk's face was one of sheer joy. Commander Kirk. He liked the way that sounded. Commander Kirk. Maybe...maybe someday it would be Captain Kirk.

...

Captain Kirk wondered what he could say to Picard, something to express his own feelings about life. It had been hard, oh...so hard. But... "It was...fun." Kirk whispered. Then he sighed. Perhaps, looking back, it hadn't been so fun after all.

...

"Admiral." Spock whispered quietly to Kirk. "You are an Admiral?"

"I will be." laughed Kirk. He paced his apartment with a joy he could barely express. "Can you believe it, Spock? Admiral? Me? No, it should be...not me. But, enough of this. You must have been promoted by now. If not, I'll have a word with Admiral Nogura. I can't be promoted without you. You certainly deserve it more than me."

"That is debatable." said Spock, looking strangely downcast.

"Are you all right?"

"Admiral Yengchen offered me the position of Captain."

"Your own ship, Spock! The Enterprise, perhaps?" Kirk asked. "It could be in no better hands..."

"Yours." Spock countered.

"Well, I damn near destroyed it every other week. I'm sure they'll be glad to have a more logical Captain." said Kirk.

"I am not sure if I am going to take the offer."

"Oh." Kirk muttered, surprised. "Um...any reason, Spock?"

"None that are easy to say." Spock replied.

"What do you mean?" Kirk asked.

Spock looked onto Kirk's eyes with such tenderness that Kirk had to avert his gaze. "It...matters not, Cap—Admiral."

"It's not official yet. And call me Jim. You always have before." Kirk said.

"Do you think I should take this position?" Spock asked.

"Do what your heart tells you to do. Or rather, your mind." Kirk advised. "Maybe both?"

"They are...at odds." Spock said. "Goodnight, Admiral."

Two days later, when Kirk returned from the promotion ceremony, he found McCoy waiting for him in his living room.

"Who let you in?" Kirk joked. "Thanks for the speech you gave. Damn, you know how to deflate my big head. How did you get all those stories from my grandmother any-"

"Jim." said McCoy softly. "I got a message from Spock."

"Did it tell why he didn't come?" Kirk asked laughingly, though in his heart he felt horrible. Spock was closer to him than anyone else, perhaps even McCoy. Couldn't he come and see Kirk be promoted to Admiral?

"Um, it just said he thought his emotions were out of line. He went to Vulcan. You have a message too. I'll, uh, leave you alone." McCoy left, his hand running through his hair. He knew, or guessed, something Kirk couldn't fathom.

"'Admiral Kirk.'" the message began. "'As I had said before, my heart and my mind are at odds with one another. I see no reason for this to continue. As a Admiral, you will be far too busy to...'" here the message stopped, as the holographic Spock turned his back to the comm briefly. "'To keep up relations, or...to make them, or...I am rambling. I apologize. I have decided to decline my promotion, leave Starfleet, and devote myself to perfect logic. It is something I have decided to do recently, because of...certain circumstances. Should our paths cross, you may find me a changed man. I will not, can not, have any emotion. But...obviously, you will be a changed man as well. As always, I sincerely hope you live long and prosper.'" The message faded. Kirk placed his hands over his eyes.

It was his fault. His promotion changed everything. Spock had left because of him. Ever since then, he viewed his Admiralty as the worst curse, a disease, one he wished he could throw away.

Of course, in the Nexus, Kirk changed all that. When the Nexus showed him this part of his life, he tweaked it. He flew to Vulcan, finding Spock before the Kolinahr. He'd forced a mind-meld with Spock, and felt Spock's love and devotion, and his horrible hurt at realizing he could never have Kirk, for Kirk always kept Starfleet first. Kirk, in turn, would abandon the Admiralty, choosing instead to be a Captain, as long as Spock was at his side.

The Nexus. He had been so reluctant to leave it when Picard talked to him. It was no small wonder why.

...

Kirk looked out over the fields. His farm in Iowa was picturesque, beautiful, with green fields and golden hay. But Kirk hated it. He would rather trade all of Iowa for that beautiful ship that was currently being decommissioned. He would do anything to walk those halls one last time.

Scotty was boating, Spock was dealing with Klingons, McCoy on Trill, Chekov vying for a command, Sulu out in space...oh, he envied Sulu. He envied every captain with a ship to their name.

He remembered Bones, a long time ago, telling him to decline the Admiralty. Admirals didn't get space command. McCoy told him it was in his heart to be up in space. And he was right. Kirk felt like he lost his heart, like there was a gaping wound in his chest.

"Oh, Enterprise." whispered Kirk. But he had retired. He was no longer a captain. He was just a farm boy in Iowa, wishing for what he couldn't have. He had to go to the stars again. That was where he belonged.

...

"What the hell are you thinking?" Bones asked a very tired Kirk.

"I don't know. I don't think until I get my cup of coffee. What time is it, three in the morning?"

"It's four, and I just got back from Saroga Prime, and I'm going to get horrible star lag in about two hours, so I've got to talk to you now, alright?" Bones snapped.

"What about?" Kirk asked.

"The fact you've..." McCoy seemed to angry for words. "Gone to throw away everything."

"What are you-"

"And I thought climbing mountains was bad! Why are you signed up to do intergalactic star boarding? And zero-grav _durma_? That sport kills two out of five people!"

"Luckily I've been the other three." Kirk countered.

"And each of those sports take place in space. Strange. Why do you want to go back there so much? Why can't you just ask for your job back?" McCoy asked shrewdly.

"What's going on? Why are you here?"

"Why are you trying to kill yourself?" McCoy asked bluntly. "Is it because of your own retirement? Or the Enterprise B being commissioned?"

"Why would any of that bother me?" Kirk asked in turn. "I chose retirement. I'm glad the Enterprise saga will continue-"

"Without you?" McCoy asked. "Are you really glad that it will be Harriman, not you?"

"I...no, but-"

"Good. At least you're not lying to me."

"What's gotten into you?" Kirk asked.

"I could ask the same damn thing. You've been so depressed lately." McCoy sighed. "You've barely spoken to Spock, which hurts him more than he'll ever let anyone admit. Matter of fact, you haven't spoken to any of your old friends. You've been shut up in this farm for five months, then decide to go out in space and do horribly dangerous sports. Why are you trying to recapture your captain days? You're retired."

_I'm not trying to be a captain again_, Kirk wanted to say, but couldn't. He didn't want to lie to Bones. Instead he said, "It's none of your business."

"Jim, what's wrong? I'm a doctor, not a therapist but-"

"Then stay out of your own business." Kirk snapped, looking away.

The last few months had been a living hell. Watching the Enterprise B be built, watching himself fade...he was nothing without a ship. At least with the Admiralty, he had been close to starships, still in Starfleet, never losing sight of his true love, the Enterprise. Here in Iowa, he couldn't be farther away.

"Jim, I heard you might be on the Enterprise B for their christening ceremony." McCoy said, after a moments pause.

"Yeah. I will be."

"Are you sure that's a smart idea-"

"Bones!" yelled Kirk, making the other man jump. "How many times have you said that to me, all in vain? I'm fine, dammit. I don't want you butting into my business-"

"What?! I'm trying to-"

"Shut the hell up, Bones. If I listened to you every time you've said, 'Are you sure?', I'd be a thousand times worse than I am now. My God, I'm trying to live and I don't want you to _babysit_ me, you understand?"

McCoy opened his mouth to speak, but shook his head. "Have a _fun_ time on the Enterprise B." he said blankly, leaving without another word.

How could he have yelled at McCoy? This was the last time he had ever spoken to Bones. Oh, how he wished he could have said everything differently, calling him the good doctor, his friend, who knew so much more than him? Who kept his ego down and spirits light? But it was too late. He could never go back there, no matter how much he wished he could.

...

Kirk could have denied the chance to be an Admiral, to go on the Enterprise B. If only, if only. But then again, if he hadn't, he wouldn't be here, trying to help Picard save the lives of countless people he didn't even know. The needs of the many always...nearly always...outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one.

His life was never perfect. He struggled with his own insecurities, with the deaths of those brave security personnel, of Spock's death, of the Admiralty, of his own loneliness. He had rejoiced in simple pleasures, such as a women's touch, bantering with friends, bantering with enemies, winning impossible situations, and...having fun. His life. It was...historic. In just a few moments, it would be history. The dead past.

The sudden realization of his own death hit Kirk worse than the steel bridge that had collapsed over him. He was going to die. There was no way out. His Kobayashi Maru was over. "Oh...my." whispered Kirk.

He let himself fall into oblivion, into death, with one last thought of his true love, who he had sold his soul to so very long ago. The Enterprise. His Enterprise.

_And all I ask is a tall ship...and a star to steer her by._

A/N: I had always hoped those would be Kirk's last words...what do you think? Hit that review button!


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